What am I Really Battling?
Phrases like "fight cancer" and "my battle with cancer" are so common. But I have slowly realized that I am not fighting a battle with cancer. That battle was nearly over by the time I even knew it existed. I am not saying that I cannot still hope that perhaps I will be a candidate for trials or immunotherapy that will, at the very least, give me a bit more time. I also still hope that somewhere, someone is doing fantastic research for a drug or technique that could cure this beast. Each day brilliant scientists are breaking barriers in the medical field with new treatments that we couldn't even dream of just years, months, or even weeks ago.
Reality is, the best I can honestly hope for is a little more time. So my real battle is with an army of monsters. Fear. Doubt. Anger. Guilt. Regret. Despair. Depression. Hopelessness. Apathy.
I can't ignore the feelings that come with this. I have always been one to allow time and space for my emotions. While I am quick to laugh, I am also quick to express negative emotions! Typically, once the negative is out, I am done with it. Then I begin to process and analyze. Then I move on. So I am letting these various emotions have their turn with me. My battle is to move on to the processing and analysis part. I have been reading and researching as much as I can to understand what is going on with my body and what my expectations can be. I have asked and will ask a million questions from trite to momentous. I want to be as knowledgeable as I can throughout this journey. But knowledge won't ease the bad feelings completely.
I am so very fortunate to have Michael as my partner. He is truly my soul mate. I didn't know it was possible to be in a relationship with so much support and acceptance. Some days it seems as if we have been together since the beginning of time and other days it seems as if we just met yesterday. We rarely have harsh words for each other and would rather spend time with one another than with anyone else. He is my very best friend.
I have two fantastic sons whom I also consider good friends. They are helpful and supportive and are always there to listen. Thankfully, they each accept my views on how I want to handle this journey. Four incredibly amazing grandsons are like a prescription for happiness! I also have some amazing friends and family near and far who have already given me so much love and support. I have a small army of "babysitters" who have offered to help in every way possible. Although it was hard to accept the offers at first, I am so comforted knowing that I only have to ask and someone will be by my side. I have a list of phone numbers (call me anytime, night or day, I mean it!) including folks I barely know or haven't even met in person. Thank you Facebook community!
I have a group of friends who are nurses and have offered to answer questions, take my temperature and blood pressure, or whatever else I need. I also have medical friends and family who review my reports and translate when needed. I have the most wonderful primary care Nurse Practitioner who is my team leader and a great moral support. I have a Patient Navigator at the Cancer Center to answer my basic questions and a Nurse Navigator to answer the medical concerns. I am comfortable with my Oncologist and am anxious to meet the rest of the team this week when I have my first chemo infusion. I will also be meeting with the Rheumatologist, whom I expect will also be involved throughout my journey. Counseling is available at both my primary care and at the Cancer Center should we need it. And I have my "boss" who is practically an expert in cancer patient care. She reminds me constantly that she has work covered for me with two walkers, various canes, a wheelchair, and a bed in her office so I can even take naps. She is like a traveling medicine show with her satchel full of tinctures, supplements, and bottles of wonderful wine! She is also lift gate certified and an adult diaper distributer! I don't think I could be in better hands.
Those who know me well know that I am a spiritual person. I no longer believe in God or heaven, etc. I am absolutely fine with that. I know that a lot of people who care about me struggle with my views. I accept their offers of prayers, although I honestly feel there are a lot more important issues that need attended to rather than my situation. Basically, I consider prayer the same as meditation or any other form of focused energy. I do believe in energy. While I don't expect to "go" anywhere after I am done here, I do believe that the energy that resides in me will be released into the larger energy field that surrounds us. So make of that what you will. I am already totally at peace with the "afterlife." And I will say now, there will be no service when the time comes. There will simply be an announcement and I will expect everyone to get on with their own precious lives. I am hoping that next year I will be able to make a few short trips to spend time with family and friends and say everything we want to say. That will be my celebration of life. Plan to party folks!
I have a pretty good sense of humor. You can expect to see a lot of that here. I hope to keep the negative to a minimum, but I will also always be real and honest and say what is on my mind.
With love and gratitude,
Pat
Phrases like "fight cancer" and "my battle with cancer" are so common. But I have slowly realized that I am not fighting a battle with cancer. That battle was nearly over by the time I even knew it existed. I am not saying that I cannot still hope that perhaps I will be a candidate for trials or immunotherapy that will, at the very least, give me a bit more time. I also still hope that somewhere, someone is doing fantastic research for a drug or technique that could cure this beast. Each day brilliant scientists are breaking barriers in the medical field with new treatments that we couldn't even dream of just years, months, or even weeks ago.
Reality is, the best I can honestly hope for is a little more time. So my real battle is with an army of monsters. Fear. Doubt. Anger. Guilt. Regret. Despair. Depression. Hopelessness. Apathy.
I can't ignore the feelings that come with this. I have always been one to allow time and space for my emotions. While I am quick to laugh, I am also quick to express negative emotions! Typically, once the negative is out, I am done with it. Then I begin to process and analyze. Then I move on. So I am letting these various emotions have their turn with me. My battle is to move on to the processing and analysis part. I have been reading and researching as much as I can to understand what is going on with my body and what my expectations can be. I have asked and will ask a million questions from trite to momentous. I want to be as knowledgeable as I can throughout this journey. But knowledge won't ease the bad feelings completely.
I am so very fortunate to have Michael as my partner. He is truly my soul mate. I didn't know it was possible to be in a relationship with so much support and acceptance. Some days it seems as if we have been together since the beginning of time and other days it seems as if we just met yesterday. We rarely have harsh words for each other and would rather spend time with one another than with anyone else. He is my very best friend.
I have two fantastic sons whom I also consider good friends. They are helpful and supportive and are always there to listen. Thankfully, they each accept my views on how I want to handle this journey. Four incredibly amazing grandsons are like a prescription for happiness! I also have some amazing friends and family near and far who have already given me so much love and support. I have a small army of "babysitters" who have offered to help in every way possible. Although it was hard to accept the offers at first, I am so comforted knowing that I only have to ask and someone will be by my side. I have a list of phone numbers (call me anytime, night or day, I mean it!) including folks I barely know or haven't even met in person. Thank you Facebook community!
I have a group of friends who are nurses and have offered to answer questions, take my temperature and blood pressure, or whatever else I need. I also have medical friends and family who review my reports and translate when needed. I have the most wonderful primary care Nurse Practitioner who is my team leader and a great moral support. I have a Patient Navigator at the Cancer Center to answer my basic questions and a Nurse Navigator to answer the medical concerns. I am comfortable with my Oncologist and am anxious to meet the rest of the team this week when I have my first chemo infusion. I will also be meeting with the Rheumatologist, whom I expect will also be involved throughout my journey. Counseling is available at both my primary care and at the Cancer Center should we need it. And I have my "boss" who is practically an expert in cancer patient care. She reminds me constantly that she has work covered for me with two walkers, various canes, a wheelchair, and a bed in her office so I can even take naps. She is like a traveling medicine show with her satchel full of tinctures, supplements, and bottles of wonderful wine! She is also lift gate certified and an adult diaper distributer! I don't think I could be in better hands.
Those who know me well know that I am a spiritual person. I no longer believe in God or heaven, etc. I am absolutely fine with that. I know that a lot of people who care about me struggle with my views. I accept their offers of prayers, although I honestly feel there are a lot more important issues that need attended to rather than my situation. Basically, I consider prayer the same as meditation or any other form of focused energy. I do believe in energy. While I don't expect to "go" anywhere after I am done here, I do believe that the energy that resides in me will be released into the larger energy field that surrounds us. So make of that what you will. I am already totally at peace with the "afterlife." And I will say now, there will be no service when the time comes. There will simply be an announcement and I will expect everyone to get on with their own precious lives. I am hoping that next year I will be able to make a few short trips to spend time with family and friends and say everything we want to say. That will be my celebration of life. Plan to party folks!
I have a pretty good sense of humor. You can expect to see a lot of that here. I hope to keep the negative to a minimum, but I will also always be real and honest and say what is on my mind.
With love and gratitude,
Pat
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