My Journey With Cancer

Belated News It seems it just keeps getting more difficult to write updates. Mainly because I want them to be upbeat and to have some good news. But there seems to be little of that. Since my last post I have actually had my last chemo treatment. After having a rheumatologist visit, I was cleared for immunotherapy so my oncologist wanted to get me started on that. Chemo went out with a bang with me vomiting nearly every day for over a week. 6 more pounds gone. I had my second C T scan. The results were not good at all. The word new was sprinkled throughout the report seven times. The cancer tumors and lesions I already had grew and thickened. A second segment of my liver is now involved. More lymph nodes are involved. Both lungs are involved. I was devastated. It seems the chemo had no impact whatsoever. Dr. Chiu is very optimistic about the immunotherapy. I had the first infusion but it was only with one of the three drugs necessary for the BEACON regime. We are waiting for the

Shit Happens The first time I heard that phrase, it resonated with me. Some folks believe that everything happens for a reason. But to make that work, you have to connect a lot of dots. Someone else may connect the same dots differently or you may not clearly see a dot or two. Just a lot of over thinking to me. But to accept that both good things and bad things simply happen rings true in my mind. Sure, some things happen because of effort or lack of effort on someone's part. But some things just simply happen! Some shitty things happened this past week or so. Although my visit with my oncologist went well and I was able to receive a reduces dosage of both of the infusion drugs, Dr. Chiu told me I would not stop chemo until my body could no longer tolerate it. Even at the reduced dosages. He also said I needed to plan visits with family and friends sooner rather than later. Big bummer. Our car battery died so we had to buy a new one. Not a lot of extra money lying around so t

Last Dose of Chemo Pills Today My regime is three weeks with the first day being the day of the infusion. I begin taking chemo pills that evening and continue taking them two times a day for the next two weeks. On the last day, I only take them in the morning. Today is that day. So I will have a full week of no chemo pills! I am curious to see if I feel any different. The last couple of days I have had a lot of discomfort in my abdomen. Some bloating, and I have had trouble sleeping. Today I will also begin taking a pill that should help with sleep. I had two medical appointments this past week and have several new meds. It is time to make a chart to attach to the medicine cabinet door. I can't keep up! My first appointment was with Mateo Siefert, my nurse practitioner. Have I mentioned how great I think he is? He is my "team leader" and I will be meeting with him monthly. He will be taking care of things like pain management and help sleeping etc. He will also be kee

Week One, Cycle One I have my first full week of chemo under my belt. Here are a few things I have learned: 1. Doing chemo is like making a pact with the devil for a few extra days, weeks, months, or years. 2. Not all chemo cocktails cause you to lose your hair. 3. It's vital to take drugs on a strict schedule including the anti-nausea meds. 4. Starting the day with a small cup of warmed prune juice is a minor miracle. 5. It's OK to just let stuff go and accept that you cannot do even a forth of what you want to do on most days. 6. Most people are kinder that you can ever imagine. 7. When they say it is best to eat 6 to 8 very small meals/snacks a day, they weren't lying. 8. Sometimes you have to advocate for yourself. 9. In the three week chemo cycle, week one is likely to be the worst followed by a recovery week and finally, the last week is drug free (almost) and likely to be the week I will have the best energy and feel fairly normal. 10. Although I turned

The First Day of The Rest of My Life The days before beginning Chemo were difficult days. The closer the time came, I started hearing a phrase in my mind, "This is the last day of the rest of your life." I think that captured the dread I was feeling as I prepared for this full entry into the journey. When we were shown into the Chemo suite and put our bags down, Michael looked at me and said, "Every thing changes now." I started the day with a blood draw in the lab, five vials to test everything possible. That went smooth. Then we met with the Nurse Navigator, Lisa, to decide how she would assist us during the day. She attended our meeting with Dr. Chiu, my oncologist. She took notes so she could translate later. I asked some more questions. One was what is the prognosis if I choose not to proceed with Chemo. Mainly I asked this because there are people who think I should not do Chemo. As I thought, I could be looking at about 6 months. So that is not a choice

What am I Really Battling? Phrases like "fight cancer" and "my battle with cancer" are so common. But I have slowly realized that I am not fighting a battle with cancer. That battle was nearly over by the time I even knew it existed. I am not saying that I cannot still hope that perhaps I will be a candidate for trials or immunotherapy that will, at the very least, give me a bit more time. I also still hope that somewhere, someone is doing fantastic research for a drug or technique that could cure this beast. Each day brilliant scientists are breaking barriers in the medical field with new treatments that we couldn't even dream of just years, months, or even weeks ago. Reality is, the best I can honestly hope for is a little more time. So my real battle is with an army of monsters. Fear. Doubt. Anger. Guilt. Regret. Despair. Depression. Hopelessness. Apathy. I can't ignore the feelings that come with this. I have always been one to allow time and space